My Advice to the Parents of Prince Poopy Pants

Britain has recently added yet another privileged “I own a castle and you don’t” kid to the mix of people who the world should really ignore but for some reason love for no real explained reason.  I can’t remember (or care) what his name is so I’ll call him Prince Poopy Pants.  All I really know about him is that he’s batting third in the lineup after grandpa and his dad.

The Royal Family is big business in Canada.  Whenever one comes over, the country gets a good cleaning, flowers are picked, collector plates are issued and we stand in massive crowds to get a glimpse of the top of their head.  We as taxpayers also pay for this privilege but that’s for another rant.  The Queen  is also on our money but I’m okay with that.  Adds a bit of class.

The circus surrounding Prince Poopy Pants’ birth would make P.T. Barnum wet his!  News sources from around the world surrounding a hospital doorway and jumping to attention every time the door opened.  Thousands of people in front of Buckingham Palace (where the Queen and her crew hang out) were waiting anxiously for the official piece of letterhead to be posted on a stick just inside the gates, announcing the birth.  After all, it’s royal letterhead and should not be touched by the common folk.

Royal experts (yes, they call themselves that) are all predicting that the Prince will have the same “grounded” upbringing as his old man had.  Prince Poopy Pants’ grandmother of course was Princess Diana who is still worshipped today by thousands of desperate and lonely single women with more cats than they need.

From what I remember, Diana brought her boys to McDonalds at least once and had them wait their turn in line.  This apparently is what a “grounded” upbringing involves and is what her fans constantly refer to.  As a commoner, I NEVER took my kids to McDonalds because I loved them.  And unlike the rest of us, I’m sure when she got to the counter she wasn’t busy trying to count the change in her purse to see if she had enough to get a hot apple pie too.  She did however take the order to go since the limo was probably double parked and what’s the point of living in a palace if you can’t put your happy meal on plate worth more than most people’s homes?

As you have guessed by now, I don’t care much for the Queen and her Royal Peeps but what really has my tartan knickers in a knot is listening to media interviews with the common folk asking them what advice they would give to Prince Poopy Pants’ parents.

The majority of common folks interviewed would talk about being patient, try to get some sleep when you can and other basic tips that those of us without a castle would pass on to new parents.  They would also like to see his parents raise him like Diana raised his daddy.  Happy Meals for all!

For those of us who don’t have a commemorative Charles and Diana wedding plate from the Franklin Mint perched over our fireplace, here is my top 10 words of advice to Prince Poopy Pant’s parents:

1.  When the nanny gets the kid for his 3 am feeding, make sure the Wet Nurse hasn’t eaten any garlic that day.

2.  When changing Prince Poopy Pant’s diaper, don’t rush the Nanny and scold her for taking too long.  It sets a bad example for the Prince.

3.  When you take him to McDonalds, ask for the “Royal” discount.

4.  Find out which is the Prince’s “good” side and always hold him in the proper position for maximum exposure with the press.  And mom, don’t wear your wedding ring since you don’t want it to dwarf the kid.

5. When playing with the Queen’s corgis, it’s okay for Prince PP to ride one.  It’s one of the perks of being a prince.

6.  Punishing the kid by sending him to his room is useless since his room will have more fun stuff in it than Disney World.  A proper punishment would be to cut back on the number of days he’ll spend skiing in the Swiss Alps.  Prince’s really hate that.

7.  Keep him away from Uncle Harry.

8. When in Vegas, tell him to ask for the “Royal” discount.

9.  Introduce him to common folk every once in a while by visiting the kitchen and cleaning staff at least once a year.

10. Visit every once in a while and simply substitute craft items for royal jewels and include ALL the servants in the games.  You don’t want to leave anyone out.



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